The Goonie Hobbits"
by Citoyenne Jennie Ainsley
Summary: From the deranged psycotic that brought you "The Lord of the Immune System" comes THE crossover: LotR and the movie "The Goonies". Come, read, lose IQ points. I think it's funny. (CHAPTER 1)


~ Author's Note ~  
  
While cleaning the storage room of the Michel Delving house, I ran across some parchments in the back, written in a firm, flowing hand, but torn and weather stained. I cleaned them up a little, and discovered, to my amazement, a brand new tale that had never been brought to light through Tolkien's words. A tale that showed how, once again, the hobbits saved the Shire, indeed, Middle-Earth, from the forces that were threatening to overtake it! I snatched the papers up, spent many an hour translating, and present to you now another tale that grew in the telling.  
  
A few notations: While no specific date is given, research shows it must be around the year 1436, for the Quest for the Ring has been over for some time, yet Aragorn is there from the start. Also, oddly enough, three incongruities appeared within the text, I name them now: (1) While the year is 1436 and "The Return of the King" clearly states that Arwen and Aragorn have wed, this document finds them as yet still single. Also, (2) Saruman escaped death at the hands of the hobbits. Finally, (3) No one had departed for the Grey Havens just yet. With that, I leave fancy writing skills behind the enjoyment of telling the tale. Enjoy!  
  
1 The Hobbit Goonies  
  
Or  
  
2 Just Who Is Lurtz, and What Would Arwen Be Like on the Fellowship  
  
*With Special Thanks to Sean Gamgee.er, Astin, whose presence in the movie "The Goonies" inspired this parody *  
  
An odd place to begin a story, but we begin in the dark prisons of Minas Tirith. Ingold, now a prison warden rather than a gate watcher, patrols the cells, glancing in now and again. He stops on the threshold of a cell, and looks in with wonderment. The figure which has caused the most stir over the years, a diminished looking creature named Sauron, whose name is known now only in legend of years past, has apparently hung himself. The guard steps within the cell, and notices a note lying beneath the creature. He stoops, picks it up, and reads it.  
  
"You fool. Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to kill myself?" Kill myself? Thought Ingold, only in time to notice Sauron smile, raise his arm, and send the guard flying across the room. Sauron climbed down from the chains, laughed a menacing laugh, and stepped from the cell after removing the guard's sword.  
  
From just without the prison, hiding in darkness, lurked two evil looking men on horseback. A powerful looking man with a stern face, named Melkor. The other, a lesser looking man dressed all in white, named Saruman. They waited impatiently, until they spotted Sauron walking out the door.  
  
"Come on!" shouted Melkor, throwing Sauron a horse and looking up as several guards appeared at the door. Saruman, however, noticed them too and tossed at them some of his blasting fire. The prison went up in smoke as the three galloped away across the countryside.  
  
* * * * *  
  
In Rivendell, Arwen, daughter of Elrond, is partaking of a favorite activity of hers and some of her girl elf friends.  
  
"Okay you guys, let's try the victory pyramid. Okay so...alright... Let's work on this next move. We can do it. Next row, come on, put your arms up, put your arms up... smile...good." Smiling goofily as her elvish cheerleaders successfully completed the 'victory triangle', she screeched, "You got it!"  
  
Tossing their hair and laughing, the girls barely noticed as the three horsemen rode by.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Near the Brandybuck River, Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck was trying out his new invention. He stands back, then pushes a button the little silver belt given to him by Galadriel, now 'enhanced' with his own designs. From the belt shots a small suction cup, which attaches itself to a pack of pipeweed on a table a few feets from him. The cord attached to the suction cup begins to wind back up, pulling the pipe weed across the table. Well, until the pipe weed gets caught in a broken part of the table, thus pulling Merry across the way and flying right into the table. While he lay there unconscious, the three riders rode by.  
  
* * * * *  
  
In the Shire, Samwise "Sam" Gamgee has been staring out the window of The Green Dragon, and notices the three horsemen ride by. He jumps to his feet and presses his face to the window.  
  
"Wow! Riders!"  
  
They ride by and Sam continues to stare in amazement. So intently, actually, that he tries to set his mug down on the table and drops it onto the floor.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Sauron and Saruman have been following Melkor, and suddenly realize that he's leading them right into the park area of the Shire right next to the Shirriffs offices.  
  
"What in the depths of Mandos' Hall are we doin' here?" exclaimed Sauron.  
  
"Ah, trust in old Melkor, boys!" announced Melkor, before riding right into the fray. Above the park hung the sign announcing "3rd Annual Evil-Doers of the 3rd Age Look Alike Contest"  
  
The three disappeared into the crowd.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Meanwhile..  
  
In the Shire, new rumblings had occurred. After the Scouring, things had remained peaceful for some time, but now a new power had come from without to threaten their existence. A certain school named Hogwarts had applied for a land grant, claiming they needed to expand their school and that the Shire was the perfect place to do so. With no one to speak for them, (Middle-Earth had no representatives at this time) the Shire was sold to Hogwarts. All that was left was for Frodo to sign over the land the next day, which he would be forced to do, and the land would be plowed.  
  
Understandably, this news and the rainy, dreary day only led Frodo Baggins to lie on his bed in despair. From time to time, he would quickly press a small, white gem in the shape of a star to his shoulder, which would ease his pain and he would again relax. Frodo finally rose and left the room, noticing Aragorn practicing sword thrusts in the living quarters of Bag End. He looked once more out the window, then exclaimed loudly, "Oh, bummer. Nothing exciting ever happens around here anyway. Who needs the Shire? Who needs this house? I can't wait to get out of here."  
  
"Really?" Aragorn asked, looking up in surprise.  
  
"Well, no, I was just trying to delate myself. No, no... um, what is it, uh, dic..dictate myself."  
  
"Delude yourself, Frodo," smiled Aragorn.  
  
"That's what I said."  
  
A knock is heard at the door, and both Aragorn and Frodo rush to greet the now-soggy visitor, who happens to be Pippin, combing out his tossled hair.  
  
"Hey, Frodo, Hey, Frido."  
  
"Hullo, Pippin," said Aragorn, returning to his sword exercises. Frodo settled down on the coach. Pippin helped himself to some cakes and settled down next to him.  
  
"What's going on, guys? Hey, what's the matter with you guys? Come on? What's the matter? What is this, a Mount Doom or something? Come on, guys. This is our last weekend together, last "fellowship" weekend. We have to be goin' out in style, cruisin' the land, chasing the riders, having some adventures...but nooo. The one non-hobbit member of the fellowship in the Shire had to go and mess it all up by making us hang around here, so he could hang out with Arrrweeennn." Aragorn took a swing at him. "I don't know what to do with you, Aragorn."  
  
From the door came another noise, this time from beyond the gate.  
  
"Hey guys, I just got the best...you're not gonna believe. Hey you guys, you gotta let me in."  
  
The three looked out the window, to see Sam standing at the gate, fiddling with the lock.  
  
"I just saw the most amazing thing in my entire life!" (Mention here was made to something called a 'truffle shuffle'. Uncertain as to what this is, although sounding amusing in relation to Mr. Gamgee, I have unfortunately omitted it. However, I'm certain you can use your imagination) Sam burst through the door, talking a mile a minute.  
  
"You guys, you're not going to believe me. This time I'm telling the truth!" The three roll their eyes. "Listen, okay. You guys will never believe me. There was three horse-back riders, okay. And they were racing along the road, just like the old days, with the black riders, and they were looking all suspicious. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!"  
  
A momentary silence follows, broken by.  
  
"More amazing than the time Luthien Tinuviel came over to your house to use the bathroom?" Pippin piped up.  
  
"More amazing than the time you saved those old hobbits from that pub fire, right?" Frodo added.  
  
"Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in lembas, right?" Aragorn laughed.  
  
Sam grumbled, then walked to Aragorn's side.  
  
"Okay Aragorn, Luthien Tinuviel didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom." He thought about this a moment, then seemed incapable of leaving it at that. "But Beren did!"  
  
On the roof of the hobbit hole next door stood Merry, attaching himself to a wire that ran from his roof to Frodo's front window. He braced himself and muttered under his breath, "Okay Merry, don't mess this one up, and prepare for the 'Wings of Gwaihir'," before closing his eyes and jumping from the roof.  
  
From Bag End, Frodo noticed the swiftly moving Merry and jumped from the couch. "Oh no! Window! Open the window, Pippin!"  
  
Too late. Merry came crashing through the window, shattering glass all over the floor and sending the entire crowd flying across the room. Sam, who had been standing near the back, managed to catch a rather large staff propped up against the table. The other three stared at him in amazement.  
  
"Hey, I bet you guys thought I was going to drop it, huh? Ha ha. I knew you would think that from good old Sam." He placed the staff back on the table. but only on the edge of the table. The staff easily rolled from the table and the top broke off. Aragorn, Frodo, and Merry raced across the room in a mixture of fear and frustration.  
  
"You idiot!" shouted Aragorn, while Frodo and he attempted to place the staff back together again.  
  
From the corner of the room, Merry spoke up with Pippin beside him.  
  
"Hey, any of you guys ever hear of Whitefurrows?"  
  
"No," replied Frodo. "Why?"  
  
"That's where I'm moving tomorrow, when my home is turned into a gymnasium."  
  
Frodo jumped to his feet. "Don't talk about that stuff! It'll never happen. Gandalf will fix it."  
  
Aragorn laughed under his breath, examining the broken staff. "Yeah, sure he will."  
  
Unaware that his company was talking of him, Gandalf chose this moment to arrive at Bag End. He barged in the door, followed by a small, heavy-set dwarf. Frodo tossed the staff to Merry and Pippin, who quickly hid it behind their backs.  
  
"Oh, hullo Gandalf!"  
  
"Hullo, Gandalf!"  
  
"Hi, Gandalf!"  
  
Before the rest could offer greetings, Gandalf noticed the glass fragments on the floor. "I see Merry dropped by."  
  
Merry blushed. "Hullo, Gandalf."  
  
Gandalf turned and bid enter the dwarf still standing on the doorstep. "Boys, this is Dain. Dain is going to help us with the packing of your homes in the Shire."  
  
Dain seems not to understand any of what is going on, and seems even more confused by the man and hobbits.  
  
Gandalf continued, "Uh, boys, Dain doesn't speak a word of either the Common Speech or Elvish, and I know some of you have studied dwarvish."  
  
Pippin smiled, and rose to his feet, hiding the staff behind Merry's back. "Well, Gandalf, I speak perfect dwarvish. And if it's any help to you I'd be glad to communicate with Dain."  
  
"You're a lifesaver Pippin. Come with us, will you?"  
  
"Why certainly, Gandalf." Pippin rose to follow the two, grinning evilly. They went first towards the master bedroom, stopping outside the open door leading to the storage room.  
  
"My cart is just outside. Pack all you can into the cart, but leave out the traveling cloaks. Oh, and the things in this room are going to be sent to the Michel Delving House. Pack them in there as well. Pippin, can you translate that?"  
  
"Why, certainly, Gandalf." Pippin turned to Dain and, in perfect dwarvish, said, "In this room are the dead and decaying bodies of the Orcs Master Frodo has slain. Touch them, and they will return to life and haunt you until your dying day."  
  
Dain stared in amazement, gazing at the door until Gandalf returned and pulled him in the opposite direction.  
  
Back in the living room, Frodo had procured the glue and the three hobbits were attempting to fix Gandalf's staff. Unfortunately.  
  
"Look. How's that? How's that?" asked Sam, handing the sticky mess over to Frodo. Aragorn took one look at it and cringed.  
  
"You idiot, you glued it on sideways!"  
  
Indeed, the top of the staff now hung at a slanted angle, threatening to fall off at any moment. They hid the staff once more behind their backs as Gandalf and Pippin walked in, with Dain following at a fearful distance.  
  
"You have been keeping up your studies, young hobbit."  
  
"You know me, Gandalf."  
  
"Yes, well. Boys, Dain and I are going to head over to the Delving House, make sure they're ready. We should be back in an hour. Frodo, I want you kept inside. Aragorn, if his shoulder is acting up again, I don't want him out in the rain. And that!" Gandalf added, looking shocked in the direction of Merry and Sam, holding the broken staff behind them. "What is that?"  
  
"What's what?" Sam asked, worried.  
  
"That is a mess!" Gandalf exclaimed, pointing to the broken glass still lying on the floor. "That could hurt somebody! Clean it up!"  
  
"Oh!" The hobbits laughed nervously. "Yeah, don't worry about it, Gandalf. Ta!"  
  
Gandalf, with Dain in tow, left. 


End file.
